I’ve written a few pieces related to this over the past couple years, mostly for the benefit of
n00bs new people entering the Timbers Army section. Some of them are first-time season ticket holders. Some of them are migrating from other sections. Some of them bought tickets from a scalper.* Some of them were mistakenly given tickets under the impression they’d be in the Key Club section.**
Regardless of how you ended up in the Timbers Army section, please rest assured we welcome you with open arms. We may look and sound obnoxious… no wait, we ARE loud and obnoxious. We are that way because that’s how much we love the boys on the pitch. We hope you leave the match with the same feeling.
While we may come off looking like an anarchist collective, please know that we do have a few guidelines. Some are rules, some are merely suggestions. They’re all stated here to ensure we all have a positive experience in the North End.
- Nothing racist/homophobic/sexist/etc. should come out of your mouth, fingers, whatever. We do not tolerate this AT ALL! The best way to not say anything racist/homophobic/sexist/etc. is to not be a racist, homophobe, sexist, etc. You will get tossed, and you won’t be welcome back. Ever.
- Don’t deal with scalpers. Don’t buy from them. Don’t sell to them. These scumsuckers ruin the beautiful game by overcharging for tickets that were meant to be sold at a price more suitable to our community. By dealing with scalpers, you reduce the odds of poor-but-deserving kids who love the game from being able to attend a match in the future. This is not a ploy to keep money out of Merritt Paulson’s wallet. (Trust me…the scalpers aren’t giving him a cut of their profits.) This is a ploy to enable our community to attend a Timbers match within reasonable means. If you apply yourself (ahem), you can acquire tickets in a fair manner.
- Read your chant sheet. Get to know the lyrics and music. If you can’t remember the words, ask your neighbor. They’re friendly. They won’t bite, and they’ve had their shots (some sections more-so than others).
- Follow your capo. That’s the person in front of your section leading the Timbers Army in unified spirit and song. They’re a very coordinated bunch. Now that you’ve memorized all the chants, show them respect by singing even louder than they are. They love that even more than beer!
- Speaking of which, don’t throw your beer. It’s rude, and it’s a waste of beer. Studies have shown that drinking your beer is 100% more enjoyable than not drinking it. If you spill your beer on someone, apologize and go get a refill. If you spill someone else’s beer, apologize and buy them a refill. If you drink your beer without spilling it in the North End, congrats, you are match-fit!
- Join 107ist. Those flags. That smoke. The killer tifo display. That stuff isn’t free! For just $25 per year, you help to ensure that the Timbers Army looks its best at every match. Plus, you’ll get that money back in no time with all of the local partner discounts throughout greater Portland.
I’m sure other TA folks will kindly add more suggestions in the comments section below. If you’re not sure, just observe from a safe distance at your next Timbers match. If you ask someone a question, and they’re being a dick, that person is doing it wrong and should be ignored. Just move on to the next person.
We love you. Hugs and snuggles. Now get to Tetris-in’!
* – don’t do that!
** – sorry you missed out on the buffet.
This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the TA.