Op-Ed: Why I’m Not Going to Seattle Away

…and why you should.

To be honest, I got more pressing matters. I got a kid moving into my house soon, and apparently they are like the worst roommates ever. The crying, and pooping, and eating, and Jebus knows what else. Let’s just say this nursery ain’t gonna put itself together. Plus, there’s always that slight chance I could return from Seattle with some weird virus, and next thing I know, my first-born grows up a Sounders fan. Some battles are just more noble than others.

But that really is all it boils down to. Otherwise, I’d be leading the charge.

(Feel free to beat me with the comment stick down below and relentlessly ask me why I hate the Timbers.)

We’ve all heard about the shenanigans that went down last year. I’ve been told that steps have been taken to ensure both of this year’s Seattle Away trips go down with as little static as possible.

The Timbers will need us there en masse, and we can’t let them down. This is going to be one epic battle, and the Sounders will be playing their 4th match in 14 days. Just because Seattle managed to expend a ton of energy beating a 10-man ‘B’-squad from Mexico to advance in CCL play doesn’t we shouldn’t kick them while they’re down for our derby match.

However, if you’re still a bit concerned for your well being and afraid of getting caught in a pinch, follow these important steps:

1. Have some emergency face paint ready at all times. If you get cornered, slap some on real quick. It doesn’t have to look good (seriously), just make sure it’s on your entire face. Use words like “woop woop” and “neden” and “hellz yeah bitch!” and you should escape without harm.

2. Name-drop local bands like Grammatrain and Candlebox. For instance: “oh my Gosh that new Grammatrain album is gonna be so great, and I heard Drew Carey is gonna help them make another video, too! Jeepers!”

3. When referring to the invention of soccer (not fútbol), remember the numbers 2-0-0-9.

4. If approached by an ECS capo, steal the nearest microphone and promptly hand it over to them. It’s the best diversion out there.

Seattle Away veterans, please feel free to list your suggestions for avoiding a scrum at the CLink.

Click here for your tickets to Seattle Away. #GetOnTheBus

 

This is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the 107ist or the TA.

This entry was posted in TA Blogs, Timbers Army and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Op-Ed: Why I’m Not Going to Seattle Away

  1. Forest Walker says:

    just remember to fight. and win. you’ll be fine.

    • Jory Randall says:

      I believe what you ment to say is, “Fiiiiiiightt (spit with your T sound) and Winnah(make your face red well saying winnah)”
      and repeat over and over in an absurd manner.

      But if that is not what you ment then I am sorry for correcting you.

  2. Ed Hurtley says:

    Do not, under any circumstances, do #2 on the bus.

    I repeat: NO NUMBER TWO ON THE BUS!

  3. Mike Pacific says:

    Andrew, why do you hate the Timbers? #BlameBrawley

  4. Jeff Dean says:

    Why does Brawley hate the Timbers?

  5. Chris Davidson says:

    Buy Sounders diapers to hold all the Shittle you have coming your way…….

    I think there’s a new chant………

    Poop a lot in Shittle green oh oh
    Piss a lot in Flounder blue ah ah
    And when you spew, and when you spew
    Do it on that neon green hue

  6. North End Ultras says:

    the phrase woop woop has a long and storied tradition in PORTLAND
    please do not make fun of it’s use
    #rcitd
    #neu

  7. Wow, this article has absolutely no meaningful content. Pretty much, you aren’t going to the derby because you are a lazy b!tch? nice.

  8. Gary says:

    #5 When you are calmly standing in line for a beer, make sure to clear the way right through the center of the line so some ‘roiding frat boys (with face paint and shouting “hellz yeah bitch”) can boisterously force their way through in a provocative manner rather than walking around.

    Andrew: I will come over on Sunday and help you build that nursey. Let’s go.

  9. Dan Upp says:

    It boggles my mind why anyone would voluntarily miss out on this. I live in Honduras, but I would seriously consider sacrificing part of a finger if I could be at this match. Aside from sheer love of the team and your duty to support them, how could you miss out on what could potentially be the first ever victory for the Timbers at Century Link? How glorious of a feeling would that be to watch the boys celebrate on the field while thousands of deflated green-and-bule-clad masses slink to the exits? How much will you desperately wish you had been there if you could have gone but opted out? Sure, it might not happen on Saturday…. BUT IT JUST MIGHT!!
    Seriously, just get on the dang bus.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>